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Episode 042: 'Twas the Earth Stood Still Before Christmas

WARNING!
This is a Synopsis/Review of the 2008 Version of The Day the Earth Stood Still. Spoilers abound. Don't like Spoilers? Don't read beyond this warning and don't listen to the show until you've seen it.






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'Twas a week before Christmas, I had time to kill, So I went to to see The Day the Earth Stood Still.

The first scene was useless, no dialog, no tone, it just gave Keanu a scene all his own.

Next is Helen, Biologist, who knows all her stuff, with her 10-year-old stepson who's grumpy & gruff.

With a ring on the phone and a knock on the door, the Feds abduct Helen in a big Ford Explorer.

Loaded onto a chopper, surprised and confused, are a buttload of scientists who are not amused.

Flown to a facility, stripped of cameras and phones with no family, no friends, and many unknowns.

They're told there's an object, way out in space, on a course straight for earth, at a fantastic pace.

“We have to come up with a plan made to order, how long do we have?” “Oh, an hour and a quarter.”

It'll kill everything on the earth at that speed. “Move the nerds to ground zero! Yeah, that's what we need!”

The object keep course, but slows on descent. It looks like a huge Christmas tree ornament.

The scientists land and begin their approach, so do army guys, swat teams and every cockroach.

The hatch opens up right in Helen's face, and out steps a being from a faraway place.

It wants to shake hands, but that won't come to pass, because someone out there pops a cap in his ass.

The army's attack was soon forced to abort by a cylon! No, wait, that's a 30-foot Gort.

Just as Gort's about to start whuppin' some ass, the alien mumbles, so he goes inert fast.

A surgeon is waiting in the facility, to remove the bullet with expert ability.

And under a shell made of placental goops, lies Neo... No, wait, I mean Klaatu, oops!

The Defense secretary is brought to this place, to speak for President whats-his-face.

On the Microsoft Surface they review the file, and her meeting with Klaatu did nothing worthwhile.

So they opt to sedate him, negotiations are done. Helen substitutes saline, tells Klaatu to run!

The interrogation's reversed with precision, and apparently held without supervision

For Klaatu can see through electronic eyes, and use your earpieces to knock out your guys.

So he walks through the place and out into the night; Helen takes a sample and bolts out of sight.

So Klaatu does not find the United Nations, but instead passes out in Grand Central Station.

And Helen's at home, Where the feds do not seek her, she's called to get Klaatu, who's been getting weaker.

They get in her car, and the sample she stole, just happens to heal up Klaatu's bullet hole.

He gives her directions like a GPS tracker, while her stepson talks killin' like an NRA backer.

They drive around aimless and stop at Mickey D's, to have a short meeting with a man who's Chinese.

They talk in the open, though nobody hears, he's an alien watcher, here 70 years.

He says mankind's hopeless, go through with the plan, but he'll die with the humans, 'cause he's in love with Man.

Klaatu points the way like a divining rod, while the stepson starts noticing, “Mom's friend is Odd!”

As they make their way over the highways and roads, The alien tip line practically explodes.

On the side of a road in the midst of a lake Klaatu turns on one sphere, making others awake.

All over the world spheres arise from below, suck up local wildlife and then up they go.

A local Policeman arrives for arrest, but Klaatu just squishes him like some sort of pest.

The stepson goes loco, he's heels over head, until Klaatu miraculously raises the dead.

They go find a leader, a smart man of peace, who'll help Klaatu, no, wait, it's just Python's John Cleese.

He's just as helpful as tits on a bull, but he gives Helen's stepson one last trick to pull:

Back in the bedroom the kid's looking squirrelly, Yes, he would call the help line, and don't call me Shirley.

The choppers fly in, Klaatu runs through the trees, but he gets away and it's Helen they seize.

The Secretary of Defense is quite pissed, Her tightly knit plan to catch Klaatu had missed.

Helen explains Klaatu's main directive, and we just need to prove that mankind's not defective.

Meanwhile the army has carried off Gort, and drilled on his skin as a desperate resort.

OK, just a pause as I stop to critique, but Gort's made of Nanites? This is not unique.

They went for a over used scifi cliché to destroy mankind in an explainable way.

This sucks and I say this is where they fail, but enough of my pause, let's get back to the tale.

Gort is composed of small metallic bugs, which eat stone glass metal human flesh and rugs.

They start spreading out chewing up all they find, the Defense Secretary is losing her mind.

She lets Helen go to meet up with Klaatu, and convince him the culling's the wrong thing to do.

Now stepson's with Klaatu, and to meet up with mom, takes him to a place that is peaceful and calm.

It also just happens to be his dad's grave, “Now bring him back too, with your energy wave!”

But there are some things that are beyond Klaatu, like turning this flick into Frankenstein 2.

Helen arrives and hugs the little guy, In a scene full of pathos the child starts to cry.

And what happened then? Well in New York they say, that Klaatu's human heart grew 3 sizes that day.

He changes his mind and wants mankind to stay, but the Gort-ites might kill everyone anyway.

They race to Manhattan, the troops let them through, they get near the sphere and haven't a clue.

That Defense Secretary Jackson's a bitch, who'd bomb Klaatu AND sphere with a flick of a switch.

They survive the tow missiles but the Gort swarm is near, they run for a tunnel, can't get to the sphere.

Helen and the kid are being eaten alive, Klaatu pulls the bugs out to let them survive.

In a last action worthy of Shakespearian sonnet, Klaatu gets to the sphere and puts his hand on it.

The sphere hums and glows and lets loose energy, that spreads out and covers the world completely.

The Gort-ites all fall like tiny metal dust, leaving New York looking like half-eaten rust.

And around the world where that energy spread, technology fails, power plants are all dead.

Oil rigs all cease, car batteries die, The Defense Secretary looks ready to cry.

For that energy wave, as far as it seems, was not some magic from a scifi fan's dreams.

But something more simple to explain, you see: it's another cheap cop-out, a damn EMP!

The sphere rises up, and heads for the sky, leaving mankind in it's worldwide pig-sty.

We came close to destruction, and now we must change, the ecology problem's been brought to close range.

We cannot ignore it in this little tale, since there's now no TV, radio, or Email.

This tired little tale, and the moral it promotes, shoves the ecology right down our throats.

A bit heavy-handed, with a plot full of holes, this might not be the best way to pursue these goals.

For the first thing I thought, all things being equal, was “I guess Dark Angel counts as this movie's sequel.”

My verdict is that though the effects were slick, I recommend seeing the original flick.

Though this movie was lame, I am not a sad sack, the projection screwed up, I got my money back!

Happy Yuletide to all, And before I go, I must now say “Klaatu, Barada, Nicto”.

Episode 041: Letls Get Personal

Hello Again!

This time I talk about me. Just Me. What about me?

Well, I'm not in the E.L.E. But I am feeling better than I did when I caught Pneumonia.

I'm using www.cellspin.net now, so there will be more spontaneous input to the site. From my Cellphone!

I give high praise and thanks to all my Henchmen.

I'm making this episode a short one by talking just about myself.


I think that's it, Stay Evil Folks!